happy

I'm going to make a conscious effort to be happy from this day forward.

I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.

And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.

Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.

I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

if we bump into each other on a crowded street
it's not us no more
it's just you and me
we're just strangers in passing, casually
it's not us no more
it's just you and me.

feel

I've been trying hard to stay aloof lately. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel.

I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?

Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.

dear you.

To the you who's been there for me since my break up whether you were emotionally invested or not - thank you. You've helped me through some of the loneliest times of my 2016 and made me a happier person. You have a fucked up perception of relationships and love and although you can't seem to let people who need to be let go, go, I still thank you for the time you've spent with me.

It's been immensely painful since I've found out that we weren't headed down the same road and were probably never were since the very beginning but that's my own pain. It's got nothing to do with you.

But I'm trying this thing where I'm going to be optimistic. I don't want to dwell on being sad but rather look to the unlimited possibilities of the future. I know you still want to be friends (and I do too), but I just don't know if now is the time to do so. Without that physical relationship, what are we really? I don't know. I haven't ever been "just friends" with you and I don't know how to start now.

So I think I'm going to just take a break from you and everything. You've made it very clear since the last time we've talked that you and I aren't on the same page. And since there's only one of two roads to take, I've decided to take the higher one. A sharp pain for now is much better than prolonged hurting in the future - which I know will happen one way or another.

I look forward to the day where I don't involuntarily search for your name across all my social media channels or feel a twinge of pain in my chest because I still remember all the times we've had. I look forward to the day where I can think about you with other people and I will genuinely smile because I know that you're happy and I am happy because we're both at good places in our lives. I yearn for the moment where I can think back on the memories we've had and rather than feel sad because I miss you so much, feel nothing because it was a short-lived yet meaningless chapter of my life story.

Just hoping and praying that this day comes soon.