∞

"I was so stupid. How could I believe all those words after how much pain you caused? How many tears have I shed in your honor? Too many. How many tears have you shed in mine? None. Why did I believe that you were headed north when you were walking south? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone who didn't want that with me?

...
I can't escape the hatred. The love. The pain. It's all here. An exposed nerve. Why did I email you? I drank too much. I smoked too much. I wasn't in my right mind. I thought I could say all of this with one sentence. It was stupid, I know. Why didn't you respond? I wish everyday that I didn't do that. I wish I never met you. I wish you would grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for your behavior. I wish you were a man. I wish you would be him - the version of you that I created in my head, the version of you that I compare to actual you. I made you up. You don't exist. You aren't the man I love. You aren't even the man I hate. You are just a man. You don't matter. You are a blip on the great plane of the universe. The only reason I still care is because I haven't found anyone new yet. You aren't the person I love. I don't love you. I never loved you."

Original

Picking up me

I'm going to stop feeling like somebody owes something to me. I'm going to start becoming the person that I want to be for myself. Without him, without dependency. I'm going to do it. I need to get my life together. I need to step out of this city and all the cities I've lived in pretty much. And I need to fucking do something for me. Fuck the haters, I just wanna do me.

Weeds

Tonight, a good friend helped me realize that you start to weed out people that aren't conducive to your life after a major incident. And to me, it was him. He's made me realize that some of the people that I know and used to think are important to me, are in fact, just paperweights. I think it's interesting surprising that it's taken me three years and a major change in my life, to effect such change. Why do I need to be bothered by someone who is actually just incompatible with me? Why did I spent so much of my time questioning whether someone was mad at me every two days if I could literally live life without this trouble? If you're not really benefitting me in any way, I don't really see a point in you being in my life. They say it's better late than never--and I'm incredibly glad I'm finally starting to see this change in myself now. I can honestly say that I'm changing for the better.