let go

"I kept myself burning just to keep you warm. I was dying, but I did it for you.

I never knew why I was setting myself on fire, it just felt natural. I just wanted to get through to you, so I could change you, so I could fix you. So you could fix me. That was very naïve of me.

Letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, because I never let go of things I love, unless they give me a reason to. Unless the heartache is much more than just tears.

I never thought you would give me a reason to let you go. Sometimes I feel like you did it on purpose, so I could leave you alone and not care for you so much because it suffocated you. That’s where my mind ends up going when I think of all this. That God brought me to you so I could learn to fall in love with someone so imperfect, and realize what it is like to experience loving someone a little more than yourself. How, if I can do that with you, I should be able to fall in love with my own imperfections, and all the flaws that I hate.

I need to understand that I have not fully experienced love with anyone, because I have not loved myself enough yet. This has been the hardest part of my life, the newest chapter of my life being unfolded onto my world. This was never just about sex, although I do understand why that is important too. I cannot truly find words to explain love, though I will never give up trying to find the right ones.

I know I am young, but I felt love with you, and that is one thing that I am certain of in this reckless world of abandonment. I know you wanted to fall in love, I know you still do. That you do not search for someone, without falling in love, because I am the same way. I think I just went too fast, way too fast for you and for myself. We both had no idea what we were doing, and by the time we realized it, it had gotten too deep for you, and I had fallen without you. I could not fix you, I know now. That relaxes me.

However, now I perhaps understand that when you really love someone, you only know when you put their needs before yours. When you do something for them you’re also doing it for you, because you care. I let you go for me, but I also let you go so you can meet someone you love, so you can fall in love without me being in the picture. So you can be happy without me.

I was scared to let you go, because deep down, I knew you wouldn’t come back. I risked us for us. In this situation I was stuck in the middle. I had a choice to keep being your friend, and harbor my feelings forever in the dark, or let you go with a piece of my heart, and move on at least knowing that for once in my life, I loved someone so much that I had to let them go out of my life."

original

2

my second week of being truly alone.

what am i feeling? i don't know anymore. but at the same time, it's a relief. i am happy but sad. i'm scared but hopeful. i'm trying to make the most of this time. i'm trying to be brave and live for myself. i've spent too many years of my life depending on others to fix me and seeking validation for myself.

i'm on this journey to truly live for myself and be my own independent person. and i'm not going to lie, but it's been tough as shit.

but i'm also not going to give up. it's going to be easier one day. and i'm going to tough it through until that day.