To the you who's been there for me since my break up whether you were emotionally invested or not - thank you. You've helped me through some of the loneliest times of my 2016 and made me a happier person. You have a fucked up perception of relationships and love and although you can't seem to let people who need to be let go, go, I still thank you for the time you've spent with me.
It's been immensely painful since I've found out that we weren't headed down the same road and were probably never were since the very beginning but that's my own pain. It's got nothing to do with you.
But I'm trying this thing where I'm going to be optimistic. I don't want to dwell on being sad but rather look to the unlimited possibilities of the future. I know you still want to be friends (and I do too), but I just don't know if now is the time to do so. Without that physical relationship, what are we really? I don't know. I haven't ever been "just friends" with you and I don't know how to start now.
So I think I'm going to just take a break from you and everything. You've made it very clear since the last time we've talked that you and I aren't on the same page. And since there's only one of two roads to take, I've decided to take the higher one. A sharp pain for now is much better than prolonged hurting in the future - which I know will happen one way or another.
I look forward to the day where I don't involuntarily search for your name across all my social media channels or feel a twinge of pain in my chest because I still remember all the times we've had. I look forward to the day where I can think about you with other people and I will genuinely smile because I know that you're happy and I am happy because we're both at good places in our lives. I yearn for the moment where I can think back on the memories we've had and rather than feel sad because I miss you so much, feel nothing because it was a short-lived yet meaningless chapter of my life story.
Just hoping and praying that this day comes soon.
Friday, July 1, 2016
lonely
Picking this up because it's been a hot minute since I've said anything. No one probably reads this anymore anyways so I'll just be talking to myself.
So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.
And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.
It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.
What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.
So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.
And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.
It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.
What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.
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