when you realize that your friends from high school are still friends with the same people from high school four years later,
i don't know whether to be jealous
to laugh or to cry,,

why have i grown up
but you've stayed exactly the same?

Sacrifice

"How soon do we forget, how we felt

Dealing with emotions, that never left

Playing with the hand that, we were dealt in this game...

Maybe I'm the sinner, and you're a saint

Gotta stop pretending, what we ain't

Why we pointing fingers anyway?

When we're all the same"

Making sacrifices for people you care about. Allowing another person into your life means you are no longer responsible for just yourself but also for the yin to your yang. Breathe in, breathe out, okay go.

Content

Happy. That is all.

"And when the next test of life presents itself, maybe you’ll fall a little softer, fight a little harder, and indulge a little less; fortified by the pain, strengthened by the struggle; scars visible yet undeniably healed."

I can't help it

We are always taught to love me for me. Don't wait on others to love you or else you'll never be happy. No one can love you more than you love yourself and all that bullshit. I acknowledge it and I realize that it's most important to abide by this. But at the same time, I can't seem to follow it. Not that I'm saying I need justification for why I should love myself, but low-key I do, ok? Maybe I'm actually just too bored right now and need to find some other source of self-fulfillment or self-entertainment. I know I shouldn't be waiting on some boy to come by, swoop me off my feet, and tell me how much he loves me. But a girl can't help but wonder those types of things yakno? I need a hobby.

Lessons

I spent the month of October learning and growing. I learned that I didn't have to waste energy or time on someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't need another person in my life to make myself happy. And I could definitely do better than chasing pavements. I shouldn't have to invest myself into something that probably will never amount to anything. I also need to start pulling myself out of feelings before I allow myself to be consumed by them. Thanks to my good for nothing addictive personality, I really need to start watching myself. No person is worthy of this much pain and misery.

Selfishness and Selflessness

Whenever I'm feeling down (like real, real down), I reread Tuesdays with Morrie. It's downright my favorite book in the universe and truly the only book that puts me in the right perspective of life. Each time I read the book, I learn something new and feel something different. I make sure that I squeeze every ounce of teaching out of Morrie and remind myself that it's ok to feel the way I do but that everything will pass - and when it does pass, love will conquer all. I make mental note of the reason why I feel the way I do and hope to sleep it off so that I can wake up refreshed and a better person.

Last night, I reread the only book in the last 8 years of my life that I don't get sick of reading and constantly go back to. And don't get me wrong, it made me feel much better than I had originally did. But at the same time, I didn't get that same comfort I usually do from the book. I still cried when Morrie said that "love goes on" and when he took his last breath and passed away peacefully. But at the same time, I woke up this morning feeling the same. I'm scared that I've passed this point where the only book that has cheered me up for as long as I could possibly remember did not cheer me up this time.

I didn't realize until this year, how much it kills me to hurt somebody else. Somehow, I always feel like it's a little bit more okay to let myself be hurt from words or actions or inactions than for me to hurt someone else. People constantly tell me to love myself. They tell me that I should put myself ahead of everybody else in the world because I don't owe a single thing in the world to anybody else but myself. But for some reason, that's never stuck with me. I find myself thinking "how selfish that I can go on living a happy life while someone else is suffering because of me?" It's always just been like that and as sad and unfortunate as this is, I feel like it's always the way it's gonna be.

Happy

Life has been treating me unexpectedly well lately. I've finally gotten rid of some unnecessary baggage that I've had earlier this week and put down some of the feelings from the last month or so. I can honestly say that I'm doing much better. It's funny because I find it rare that I ever want to blog when I'm in any other mood but crappy. But anyways, I've decided that maybe it's time to make some changes starting with blogs. Maybe if I started blogging more when I was feeling happy, it'll make me feel happier in the long run.

∞

"I was so stupid. How could I believe all those words after how much pain you caused? How many tears have I shed in your honor? Too many. How many tears have you shed in mine? None. Why did I believe that you were headed north when you were walking south? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone who didn't want that with me?

...
I can't escape the hatred. The love. The pain. It's all here. An exposed nerve. Why did I email you? I drank too much. I smoked too much. I wasn't in my right mind. I thought I could say all of this with one sentence. It was stupid, I know. Why didn't you respond? I wish everyday that I didn't do that. I wish I never met you. I wish you would grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for your behavior. I wish you were a man. I wish you would be him - the version of you that I created in my head, the version of you that I compare to actual you. I made you up. You don't exist. You aren't the man I love. You aren't even the man I hate. You are just a man. You don't matter. You are a blip on the great plane of the universe. The only reason I still care is because I haven't found anyone new yet. You aren't the person I love. I don't love you. I never loved you."

Original

Picking up me

I'm going to stop feeling like somebody owes something to me. I'm going to start becoming the person that I want to be for myself. Without him, without dependency. I'm going to do it. I need to get my life together. I need to step out of this city and all the cities I've lived in pretty much. And I need to fucking do something for me. Fuck the haters, I just wanna do me.

Weeds

Tonight, a good friend helped me realize that you start to weed out people that aren't conducive to your life after a major incident. And to me, it was him. He's made me realize that some of the people that I know and used to think are important to me, are in fact, just paperweights. I think it's interesting surprising that it's taken me three years and a major change in my life, to effect such change. Why do I need to be bothered by someone who is actually just incompatible with me? Why did I spent so much of my time questioning whether someone was mad at me every two days if I could literally live life without this trouble? If you're not really benefitting me in any way, I don't really see a point in you being in my life. They say it's better late than never--and I'm incredibly glad I'm finally starting to see this change in myself now. I can honestly say that I'm changing for the better.

Long distance

Here's the thing I've learned about relationships. I am never ever ever ever in my entire life going to engage in a long distance one again. The facts that broke my relationship were: 1) long distance, 2) we didn't get to really know each other because physical meetings always got, well, physical, and 3) distance is a bitch. That's the thing. When you don't spend enough time with a person in person, you just don't get to know them well enough. You can't see with your own eyes and judge with your own rationale the person that he or she is. The person you believe you're dating is just a mere concoction of what you've seen in pictures (maybe a few times prior in real life) and a whole lot of what you've made up in your mind. I've tried it before, and it failed. There is no way in hell I'm going to try again. No force in this universe will make me engage in another long distance relationship again in my life. Back to dating in New York. Just kidding, back to the single life forever.

Antisocial

"Maybe antisocial people just are sick of dealing with your bullshit."

That might explain a little bit of why I've been so detached from the world lately. Maybe that can give insight into why I just want to go home everyday and curl in bed and wander into my own world. I'm tired of listening to things I don't care about and making small talk with people I don't have anything to say to. I sincerely cannot wait to go back home to California. Granted I will probably get bored of it by the second week, but I just need some time to detach and live a hermit life. I need to surround myself with different people. I sometimes wish I could just move away and start a life anew in a different place and create a different image of myself. But who knows, maybe I'm just tired from work, waking up early, and life.

Walk away

"'It's what we have. Love.'

My eyes start to burn and itch and sting. I swallow hard and take a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. Pretty words. Lovely to hear, comforting to feel. Coming from the person I've loved and hated and loved again all these years. how beautiful it would be to just fall back into your arms and continue what we have like nothing's horribly wrong in our relationship.

'I can't do this anymore,' I whisper. Tears start to form in the corners of my eyes. 'The damage is already beyond repair. We have to end this to save ourselves.'

I take a deep, shaky breath and blink back tears. Without another word, without waiting for you to say anything, without looking into your eyes, I gather my things and go out into the night. I walk and walk until I reach the end of the street. I have to keep walking as far away from you as possible.

I breathe in the night's air. It felt a lot warmer in my chest. For the first time in a long time, I feel free."

Leos

Leo Rising
Everything you do is done with pride, creativity, and a sense of your own uniqueness. The desires to be a shining star and to stand out as an individual color all of your interactions with the world. At best, this motivates you to excel to achieve at the highest level possible for you and to be a bighearted, generous, magnanimous, and honorable person. Others' successes and talents inspire you. You applaud and appreciate individuality, creativity, and the spirit and joy of life wherever you see it being expressed.

Delete

"Someone once told you that love is as much about timing as it is about who you fall in love with. But you hate timing. You've never had enough time. You run out of time with everything you love. But maybe that's just part of life. You wonder if it would be stupid or symbolic to throw away every clock you own. You decide probably just stupid.

You look at his name in your phone and try not to see his perfect face alongside it. You hover above the delete button and wonder if it would make things easier. Would you delete him from your life with one click?

You don't. You can't. Instead, you re-read text message threads and think about sending him a message. 

After holding your heart in your throat for about 20 minutes, your fingers break the silence for you. You've never really noticed how large the gaps in between them feel before. He's closed those gaps once before with his fingers, You can't remember what it felt like now."

Click for original

Opinions

Everyone's entitled to their own opinions, I get that. But just because you don't give two shits about somebody else's opinion doesn't mean you can't listen to it. It wouldn't kill you to spend the 20 extra seconds to hear somebody out. That type of appreciation goes a long way man. Same goes for people who only wanna hear the compliments. Taking the criticisms and learning to deal is how you grow. Some people just really gotta learn how to take it like a man. Take it objectively, I'm just trying to tell you the honest damn-ass truth.