how much can change in a mere 48 hours.
this isn't even just the anxiety or paranoia talking anymore. i just.. don't even know what to do at this point. i need guidance. but i also want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and mean it.
Monday, January 9, 2017
2017
i've decided i'm going to start off this year grateful. grateful for everything that i have and everything that life's given me, even the downs. i'm trying to make an effort to see 2017 in a positive light. i want to be able to see the positive in everything even if it's a negative.
to my panda bear,
thank you for being there for me. thank you for sticking by me through one of the hardest moments of my adult life. thank you for not judging me and moreover for understanding rather than criticizing me. thank you for taking the time to come pick me up and visit me. i know that what i should be is more understanding. and i want to be. i do. but sometimes, i'm scared that i'm falling too hard and too fast. you've given me a reason to. but i don't want to be that person who can't pick herself up after something possibly ending. i don't even want to think about that. but sometimes i know i have to. just to remind myself that not all good things last. although i'm hoping that we do. i still haven't figured you out. and i'm not sure if that's just because we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. i should slow down.
to 2016,
what you were was a whirlwind of bad experiences turned into a ton of lessons. experiences i really wish i didn't have to go through but lessons i knew i had to learn. i'm going to put you in my past. everything that i've done turned into all the mistakes i've made, i'm going to leave them behind and only carry the lessons with me from now forward. i can't be that naive 23 year old anymore. the one who thought that guy after guy would keep her from feeling alone. i had to face my fears, i had to learn to be brave and to stand up in order to move on. and i'm not going to make the same mistakes again. i don't want to and i can't.
to the second person who's broken my heart,
you're so happy now. seeing it makes me sad, i have to admit. i wish i were over it all, but sometimes, thinking about you and your happiness and what we once had makes me sad. but thankfully, these moments pass much quicker than it used to. i wish i could say that the way you broke me only made me stronger. but i really don't know if it did. i had to give myself closure - but i always do. but sometimes, i wish that we were able to talk it out some more. but now, that really is just wishful thinking. what can i say?
to 2017,
i'm looking forward to you. only because i'm looking forward to being a different person from who i was in 2016. and i don't know what this year will hold for me, but i know that i must keep the promises i've made to myself this year. if i need to be strong in some way this year, that's the way i'm going to do it.
to my panda bear,
thank you for being there for me. thank you for sticking by me through one of the hardest moments of my adult life. thank you for not judging me and moreover for understanding rather than criticizing me. thank you for taking the time to come pick me up and visit me. i know that what i should be is more understanding. and i want to be. i do. but sometimes, i'm scared that i'm falling too hard and too fast. you've given me a reason to. but i don't want to be that person who can't pick herself up after something possibly ending. i don't even want to think about that. but sometimes i know i have to. just to remind myself that not all good things last. although i'm hoping that we do. i still haven't figured you out. and i'm not sure if that's just because we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. i should slow down.
to 2016,
what you were was a whirlwind of bad experiences turned into a ton of lessons. experiences i really wish i didn't have to go through but lessons i knew i had to learn. i'm going to put you in my past. everything that i've done turned into all the mistakes i've made, i'm going to leave them behind and only carry the lessons with me from now forward. i can't be that naive 23 year old anymore. the one who thought that guy after guy would keep her from feeling alone. i had to face my fears, i had to learn to be brave and to stand up in order to move on. and i'm not going to make the same mistakes again. i don't want to and i can't.
to the second person who's broken my heart,
you're so happy now. seeing it makes me sad, i have to admit. i wish i were over it all, but sometimes, thinking about you and your happiness and what we once had makes me sad. but thankfully, these moments pass much quicker than it used to. i wish i could say that the way you broke me only made me stronger. but i really don't know if it did. i had to give myself closure - but i always do. but sometimes, i wish that we were able to talk it out some more. but now, that really is just wishful thinking. what can i say?
to 2017,
i'm looking forward to you. only because i'm looking forward to being a different person from who i was in 2016. and i don't know what this year will hold for me, but i know that i must keep the promises i've made to myself this year. if i need to be strong in some way this year, that's the way i'm going to do it.
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