i'm so bad at not having expectations. i'm so bad at trying to be sane but ending up overwhelmed by hysteria. i'm terrible at letting go and terribly great at overthinking. i'm in love with love and i want it so badly that i don't even consider that i'm not ready for it. and when i do think about how unprepared i am for this grand love that's in my head, i crave it even more.
i'm letting this relationship go way over my head. i scrutinize about every little detail and place way too much emphasis on everything. i freak out over the tiniest thing when in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't mean much. i tell myself that i should be optimistic and i shouldn't let this little thing get to me. but how do i not? at the end of the day, i still get anxious over everything and jump at the tiniest thing that goes wrong.
maybe the trick is to not feel. to not care so deeply about everything.
but i know that's wrong. it's not that i shouldn't care. it's that i need to put myself first. i should care more about my feelings and my well being before i look to others for love. i should love myself. time and time again, i need to remind myself that i am my own person. i am not half of a whole and i do not need someone else to complete me. i should complete myself. but that scares me. maybe it's time to look for a religion or something for me to put my faith into.
i know i shouldn't be spending so much time and energy being like this. but i'm scared. i just suck.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
this.
But more than anything I’d like to take the time to apologize. Not just for participating in such a triangle of self-inflicted heartbreak but I’m sorry he doesn’t respect and love you enough to stay loyal. I’m sorry you’re dating someone who isn’t worthy of you. Because if he was, I wouldn’t be in the picture. The truth is though, if it’s not me, he’d be cheating with someone else. That’s the way cheaters are.
I love him very deeply and it took everything in me to walk away because I wanted someone who wanted only me.
I didn’t want to be someone’s side chick. I was tired of being his best kept secret. But more than anything I realized I didn’t want to participate in something that would cause you the same pain it caused me when I was in your shoes.
If you guys do stay together I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you or will cause you when all of this comes out. The thing about the truth is it always does reveal itself and the bigger the lies the more it’ll hurt someone. While all of this hurts me I know it will hurt you more and you don’t deserve that neither of us do.
I love him very deeply and it took everything in me to walk away because I wanted someone who wanted only me.
I didn’t want to be someone’s side chick. I was tired of being his best kept secret. But more than anything I realized I didn’t want to participate in something that would cause you the same pain it caused me when I was in your shoes.
If you guys do stay together I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you or will cause you when all of this comes out. The thing about the truth is it always does reveal itself and the bigger the lies the more it’ll hurt someone. While all of this hurts me I know it will hurt you more and you don’t deserve that neither of us do.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Insecurities & jealousy
I think deep down what I really am is just jealous. I'm jealous of the way other girls are treated in a relationship. I'm jealous of the loving looks that they get and the princess treatment they receive from their boyfriends. I want that type of love.
But how funny is it that I can't give myself this type of love? I know time and time again that when someone tells me that the only way you can get someone else to love you is if you love yourself first. And time and time again I try and fail. What do I need to do to love? Myself and others included? Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to love myself because I've always given so much love to other people. So many times I put everyone else around me before myself. Is that the problem? I don't know how to care for myself?
To you - I'm glad that our breakup has taught you to care for her. You've done so much more for her in the last few short months than you've done for me all our relationship. I'm happy for you - I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad. I'm sad that you didn't feel that deep love for me and didn't try to fight harder for us to work. Looking back, we were never right for each other. But that didn't stop me from trying to make us work. But you didn't and we fell apart.
To the new you - I have too many insecurities. And I'm afraid of facing them so I'm freaking out before we are even anything. I also know that I am the worst judge of character, so I have no clue if you're a good person. You probably are, and I probably just suck.
And over the last year, I've been spiraling down nothing but a vicious cycle of loving, trusting, being let down, and experiencing heartbreaks. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. But it doesn't seem like it. Once again, I feel the need to pull back before I fall even deeper. A friend's told me that the best way to look at it is to tell myself that it's over. Each time you do, you'll become a little bit more objective. And I'm hoping that's true. I'm hoping that this attitude will get me through and make me a little bit stronger each time. But I don't know. I'm scared and I hate it.
But how funny is it that I can't give myself this type of love? I know time and time again that when someone tells me that the only way you can get someone else to love you is if you love yourself first. And time and time again I try and fail. What do I need to do to love? Myself and others included? Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to love myself because I've always given so much love to other people. So many times I put everyone else around me before myself. Is that the problem? I don't know how to care for myself?
To you - I'm glad that our breakup has taught you to care for her. You've done so much more for her in the last few short months than you've done for me all our relationship. I'm happy for you - I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad. I'm sad that you didn't feel that deep love for me and didn't try to fight harder for us to work. Looking back, we were never right for each other. But that didn't stop me from trying to make us work. But you didn't and we fell apart.
To the new you - I have too many insecurities. And I'm afraid of facing them so I'm freaking out before we are even anything. I also know that I am the worst judge of character, so I have no clue if you're a good person. You probably are, and I probably just suck.
And over the last year, I've been spiraling down nothing but a vicious cycle of loving, trusting, being let down, and experiencing heartbreaks. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. But it doesn't seem like it. Once again, I feel the need to pull back before I fall even deeper. A friend's told me that the best way to look at it is to tell myself that it's over. Each time you do, you'll become a little bit more objective. And I'm hoping that's true. I'm hoping that this attitude will get me through and make me a little bit stronger each time. But I don't know. I'm scared and I hate it.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Focus
I'm such a bad judge of people. Why do I constantly surround myself and give into the wrong types of people? These are always people who don't last, aren't good people, or have some sort of underlying strings attached to them.
I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.
I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.
Monday, October 3, 2016
happy
I'm going to make a conscious effort to be happy from this day forward.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Monday, August 22, 2016
feel
I've been trying hard to stay aloof lately. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel.
I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?
Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.
I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?
Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
dear you.
To the you who's been there for me since my break up whether you were emotionally invested or not - thank you. You've helped me through some of the loneliest times of my 2016 and made me a happier person. You have a fucked up perception of relationships and love and although you can't seem to let people who need to be let go, go, I still thank you for the time you've spent with me.
It's been immensely painful since I've found out that we weren't headed down the same road and were probably never were since the very beginning but that's my own pain. It's got nothing to do with you.
But I'm trying this thing where I'm going to be optimistic. I don't want to dwell on being sad but rather look to the unlimited possibilities of the future. I know you still want to be friends (and I do too), but I just don't know if now is the time to do so. Without that physical relationship, what are we really? I don't know. I haven't ever been "just friends" with you and I don't know how to start now.
So I think I'm going to just take a break from you and everything. You've made it very clear since the last time we've talked that you and I aren't on the same page. And since there's only one of two roads to take, I've decided to take the higher one. A sharp pain for now is much better than prolonged hurting in the future - which I know will happen one way or another.
I look forward to the day where I don't involuntarily search for your name across all my social media channels or feel a twinge of pain in my chest because I still remember all the times we've had. I look forward to the day where I can think about you with other people and I will genuinely smile because I know that you're happy and I am happy because we're both at good places in our lives. I yearn for the moment where I can think back on the memories we've had and rather than feel sad because I miss you so much, feel nothing because it was a short-lived yet meaningless chapter of my life story.
Just hoping and praying that this day comes soon.
It's been immensely painful since I've found out that we weren't headed down the same road and were probably never were since the very beginning but that's my own pain. It's got nothing to do with you.
But I'm trying this thing where I'm going to be optimistic. I don't want to dwell on being sad but rather look to the unlimited possibilities of the future. I know you still want to be friends (and I do too), but I just don't know if now is the time to do so. Without that physical relationship, what are we really? I don't know. I haven't ever been "just friends" with you and I don't know how to start now.
So I think I'm going to just take a break from you and everything. You've made it very clear since the last time we've talked that you and I aren't on the same page. And since there's only one of two roads to take, I've decided to take the higher one. A sharp pain for now is much better than prolonged hurting in the future - which I know will happen one way or another.
I look forward to the day where I don't involuntarily search for your name across all my social media channels or feel a twinge of pain in my chest because I still remember all the times we've had. I look forward to the day where I can think about you with other people and I will genuinely smile because I know that you're happy and I am happy because we're both at good places in our lives. I yearn for the moment where I can think back on the memories we've had and rather than feel sad because I miss you so much, feel nothing because it was a short-lived yet meaningless chapter of my life story.
Just hoping and praying that this day comes soon.
Friday, July 1, 2016
lonely
Picking this up because it's been a hot minute since I've said anything. No one probably reads this anymore anyways so I'll just be talking to myself.
So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.
And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.
It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.
What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.
So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.
And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.
It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.
What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.
Monday, January 11, 2016
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