you came back

In the end it's all about letting go and forgiveness.

For over a year, I accepted that we probably were never going to be friends again. I let that become my reality because I had moved into a new relationship and you were stuck in your same old toxic loveless one. I thought that since we were set on two different trajectories, we weren't ever going to cross paths in a friendship ever again. And I was ok with that. Because it had been well over a year and I had finally let that sink in.

But then you came back to me. You reminded me of, dare I say it? Comfort. I hate that of all the people, you brought that upon me the most. I hate that I can truly be myself with you because I should be able to have that with other people who are closer to me in my life. But why of all people, you?

I think deep deep down, a little piece of me was hopeful that you and I could become something. Even though I know now more than ever that it's not possible. It's not possible because we are so similar yet so inherently different. We want that freedom but we also want that attachment and security to allow us to be free. And for the both of us, it's the people we've grown to know and rely on.

I need to be done with you. 100% done with you.

ctrl alt del

i tried to let you go. i thought i had done a good enough job of not letting you affect me. but in the end, my insecurities still got the best of me. my insecurities reminded me that despite all that i have and all that i do, i'm still worth nothing in your eyes. because at the end of the day, you didn't choose me. and maybe it's my pride and my ego that's speaking the loudest. but it's telling me that i will forever be inferior to her.

and through and through, i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to be reminded of my insecurities. because my insecurities foster my anxiety and i want to be anxious no more. i'm starting it all off now by force shutting you out. i'm going to use every fiber of my being to rid of you in my life. ctrl-alt-del you out of my life.

out of sight, out of mind. i'll check back in a few months with updates.

healthy

i've been really getting on my health kick and i'm obsessed. my manager told me yesterday that he thought i was doing a really good job professionally and in my personal life and that i looked good and i was like "homegurl say whaaaa?" it completely caught me off guard b/c i honestly don't think i look that much different from before.

but i guess i do! i'm really trying hard to keep myself healthy nowadays. whether it's by eating right or working out to the best of my abilities. i also have been drinking way more water and staying hydrated. i love it too. i can't wait to continue this lifestyle.

and one person i really have to thank for all this is my loving and supportive boyfriend. yes we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, i love that we can emotionally support each other. he motivates me to be the best version of myself that i can be. i no longer feel victimized at every little thing that happens to me and i'm feeling great!

this is such a drastic change from the person i was a year ago. last year, i worked out and "tried" to be healthy but i hated it. i wasn't doing it for the right reasons and i was nothing but unhappy. it's so great to be able to cut out the negativity from your life and realize that there's way more to life than you could ever imagine.

i am so happy and healthy!!

emotional faucet

sometimes i feel like an emotional faucet. i either spend 100% of my time bottled up and refusing to feel, or 100% of the time letting everything loose and coming out at 80 miles an hour.

it terrifies me that i'm like this. i'm scared that this will ultimately lead to my demise because i can't control myself. sometimes, i'll look back and realize that the things that blew me up were so minute that had i controlled myself, i would've saved some relationships.

i think moving forward, i can only work on this internally. i need to be able to internalize my feelings without feeling like it's the end of the world. i need to practice this and stop myself from blowing up whenever something doesn't go the way i want it to before i ruin my relationship with everyone that i love.