Playing catch up

I'm so terribly bad at keeping up with writing blogs. Mostly because I've become a lot more private with my feelings–exposing only what I want people to know at specified times. Regardless, this year is finally coming to an end. While I say this every year, 2015 has really been an eye opener to me. What I've learned about myself, love and relationships, and friendship has really brought me to a whole new level of acceptance.

I've become more accepting of the type of person I am. And while that's not necessarily the person I would like to be, I believe the first step of anything is acceptance. I'm going to continue accepting the person that I am while also working in the upcoming year, to become the person I would like to become–a better version of myself.

In love, I've let go of so much this year. I finally moved on from my haunting past and allowed something new into my life. I've made many mistakes but I haven't let those mistakes keep me from moving forward. My only wish is that the upcoming year will bring me happiness and peace with both myself and my loved ones around me.

In graduating college this year, I've really learned how to keep those who are important to me, close to my heart. I've really blossomed in friendships and made a true effort and commitment to these people. That, for which, I am very proud of.

Still deciding on what my 2016 resolutions will be. Will update soon.

Life of an idealist

I've been trying lately to hold back bottled negativity and emotions. But what is it about growing up and old that you become so sensitive? Sensitive to your surroundings, to the words spoken from someone else's lips, and to the way you are perceived? Each time I feel like I should have a fuck-if-I-care attitude, I relapse and it all turns to shit. Maybe this is the inner workings of an idealist. I have all these thoughts in my mind and these picture-perfect moments that I work so hard to realize that when it all turns to shambles, I crumble too. The near perfect life I've carved out so intricately in my brain—that white picketed fence, all American lifestyle—too real, yet so far. I want that perfect relationship. The one where all things work out and we love each other dearly. Support and unconditional love follows us to our graves. But it's only until I'm in one, that I realize how impossible it is to hold onto this idealistic vision before it disappears into thin air. I'm trying, though. I feel like I'm always trying too hard. Is this how life just is? 

I don't want to be like this. 

some things in the next few months:

• FIND A JOB
• china travels (Apr 13-28)
• berlin/amsterdam travels (May 5-12)
• graduation commencement (May 18-24)
• move to sf (?)

Blessed

I haven't written in a while because I've really had nothing much to say lately. But I've been thinking for the most of today about how blessed I am to live the life that I do. I couldn't have asked for more selfless parents and constant support in everything I do. I've never had to contribute to a single thing at home in my life yet I receive so much. I've been given so many opportunities in life and so many things because my parents want me to be the best me that I could be. I know I don't deserve it yet I don't yet have the abilities to repay my parents for the things they've provided me since birth. I am so, so lucky.

i've lied to myself all my life
i do
i hold grudges like no other
forgive but never forget.

lol

Happy March;
I'm trying hard not to think about having to move away and leave all my friends.
I hate to think that moving away is largely because I don't think I can afford my way around this city. Especially when I am constantly surrounded with investment bankers and corporate financiers. I start to doubt my education and my career path. Did I do the wrong thing by not trying hard enough with finance?
But I want to believe that I'm moving away because there's something bigger and better out there - something that's also more affordable in this lifetime.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. 7 months. Should I be giving myself that amount of time as well? Then why am I not having fun?

moving out

it's so tiring - packing up all your belongings and trekking back to another city.
a new city.
i'm exhausted
but this time, exhaustion isn't an excuse for giving up
there's no way to half ass this process
i just need to push through
i'm almost done..

stronger

To D;
You broke me for the better. I am stronger, wiser, and less prone to bullshit. I look back now and I can genuine say that I'm better off now than I was ever before. I should've taken a hint. Hell, I should've taken 100 hints. You can fool a girl the first hundred times before she gets tired of your bullshit. And thank god I did.

To C;
I said I wasn't going to write your name again. Ever. You deceiving, lying son of a b. But then again, I ain't mad. I just can't believe how stupid I was. The tears I could've retained and the emotions I could've skipped out on.

To J;
LOL I couldn't have been stupider - that's it.

rts

• be less bratty; be more chill
• it's ok if you don't get your way and life goes on
• stop doubting yourself - what happened to the optimistic me?
• relationships are hard but then again, so is life
• if you can motivate and convince others, you can to yourself
• beauty comes from within
• fuck what others think or say - they can't control you
• love is all about sacrifice
• be thankful for what u already have: family, friends, and an amazing bf

catch 22

you could bottle everything up, never spill to a single soul, and hurt yourself.

or you could let it all out, hurt him, then hurt yourself in the process.

relationships are hard.

love is nothing but work.

i guess sometimes, when a girl is upset, all she really wants is for someone woo her happy again.

not everything can or should be rationalized with reason.

sister

to the sister i had once upon a time - we've had our fair share of ups and downs but somehow, we always worked through it. i taught myself to give in and apologize first because you were downright the most stubborn person i knew. but i loved you and i loved that you knew everything about me. you always knew what i was thinking and how i'd react to certain things. you knew how to make me laugh and what pushed my buttons. you were the older sister i never had and you watched out for me in almost every way possible. how quickly we went from strangers to best friends to sisters. i remember our phone conversations and constant texts about nothing and everything. those never ended despite my going off to college. you were the reason why i began to believe in horoscopes and was able to analyze every person who came across my life.

the abrupt end that we came to wasn't what i wanted. to be honest, i'm not even completely sure why it happened. during the last year, i tried countless times to rekindle our friendship - sisterhood - and failed. it didn't make sense to me because i sincerely thought our bond would withstand distance and time. but somehow, you weren't able to forgive me this time around. i don't even know why you walked out of my life. sometimes, i just want to call you up and ask you what was it i did that completely ticked you off. but it's probably too late now.

now, the only news i get about you is from your infrequent facebook posts and instagram updates. i found out today that you're going to hong kong for the next two years. why wasn't i notified when you got a job offer in hong kong? why did you not tell me that you were going to spend the next two years of your life in my favorite country? why?

despite everything, i love you and i always will. good luck.

"The greatest remedy for anger is delay." - Thomas Paine

i need peace. i need to be mindful of my actions and expectations. i need

to discover myself and get to know the person i am.

i've lived my entire life afraid of criticism-

catering to the opinions and judgment of those around me in fear that i'd disappoint them.

but that doesn't equate to happiness or contentment.

i can't love someone else if i haven't figured out how to love myself.

i need twenty-fifteen to learn and discover me.

2015 recommendations

decided against naming this new years "resolutions" bcus lord knows i can't keep resolutions for shit.

• read more. my list of books are piling higher than the empire state building rn
• i need to start giving a shit about things. too often do i find myself saying "i don't care" about something when i should be caring. this deals with relationships, friendships, jobs, emotions, and life in general
• travel - this is the only time when i can truly not care about the future and just explore the world. i need to take advantage of this
• find a job (preferably in san francisco)
• hit the gym
• write more. i want to fill this journal so i can finally buy that beautiful white moleskine i've been eyeing for months now *__*
• maintain friendships bcus the people who are my friends now are prolly going to be the people at my wedding. i need to stop fuckin up friendships and not giving a fuck about what others think if i want people to show up at my wedding n funeral