word dump

i'm so bad at not having expectations. i'm so bad at trying to be sane but ending up overwhelmed by hysteria. i'm terrible at letting go and terribly great at overthinking. i'm in love with love and i want it so badly that i don't even consider that i'm not ready for it. and when i do think about how unprepared i am for this grand love that's in my head, i crave it even more.

i'm letting this relationship go way over my head. i scrutinize about every little detail and place way too much emphasis on everything. i freak out over the tiniest thing when in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't mean much. i tell myself that i should be optimistic and i shouldn't let this little thing get to me. but how do i not? at the end of the day, i still get anxious over everything and jump at the tiniest thing that goes wrong.

maybe the trick is to not feel. to not care so deeply about everything.

but i know that's wrong. it's not that i shouldn't care. it's that i need to put myself first. i should care more about my feelings and my well being before i look to others for love. i should love myself. time and time again, i need to remind myself that i am my own person. i am not half of a whole and i do not need someone else to complete me. i should complete myself. but that scares me. maybe it's time to look for a religion or something for me to put my faith into.

i know i shouldn't be spending so much time and energy being like this. but i'm scared. i just suck.

this.

But more than anything I’d like to take the time to apologize. Not just for participating in such a triangle of self-inflicted heartbreak but I’m sorry he doesn’t respect and love you enough to stay loyal. I’m sorry you’re dating someone who isn’t worthy of you. Because if he was, I wouldn’t be in the picture. The truth is though, if it’s not me, he’d be cheating with someone else. That’s the way cheaters are.

I love him very deeply and it took everything in me to walk away because I wanted someone who wanted only me.

I didn’t want to be someone’s side chick. I was tired of being his best kept secret. But more than anything I realized I didn’t want to participate in something that would cause you the same pain it caused me when I was in your shoes.

If you guys do stay together I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you or will cause you when all of this comes out. The thing about the truth is it always does reveal itself and the bigger the lies the more it’ll hurt someone. While all of this hurts me I know it will hurt you more and you don’t deserve that neither of us do.