healthy

i've been really getting on my health kick and i'm obsessed. my manager told me yesterday that he thought i was doing a really good job professionally and in my personal life and that i looked good and i was like "homegurl say whaaaa?" it completely caught me off guard b/c i honestly don't think i look that much different from before.

but i guess i do! i'm really trying hard to keep myself healthy nowadays. whether it's by eating right or working out to the best of my abilities. i also have been drinking way more water and staying hydrated. i love it too. i can't wait to continue this lifestyle.

and one person i really have to thank for all this is my loving and supportive boyfriend. yes we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, i love that we can emotionally support each other. he motivates me to be the best version of myself that i can be. i no longer feel victimized at every little thing that happens to me and i'm feeling great!

this is such a drastic change from the person i was a year ago. last year, i worked out and "tried" to be healthy but i hated it. i wasn't doing it for the right reasons and i was nothing but unhappy. it's so great to be able to cut out the negativity from your life and realize that there's way more to life than you could ever imagine.

i am so happy and healthy!!

emotional faucet

sometimes i feel like an emotional faucet. i either spend 100% of my time bottled up and refusing to feel, or 100% of the time letting everything loose and coming out at 80 miles an hour.

it terrifies me that i'm like this. i'm scared that this will ultimately lead to my demise because i can't control myself. sometimes, i'll look back and realize that the things that blew me up were so minute that had i controlled myself, i would've saved some relationships.

i think moving forward, i can only work on this internally. i need to be able to internalize my feelings without feeling like it's the end of the world. i need to practice this and stop myself from blowing up whenever something doesn't go the way i want it to before i ruin my relationship with everyone that i love.

a thought

This past weekend, I watched Spiderman.

"If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it."

If I'm nothing without this relationship, then I shouldn't have it either. So I must make myself something with or without him.

But I'm so happy. I'm just so...happy.

there i said it

i thought i was over it just as i thought i was over you. but the truth is, i'd just been pushing everything away. i tried to force myself to let go of you but that only kept you more frequently on my mind. i tried to pretend that everything was okay and that i was finally out of the rut i'd put myself into for the longest time but that only made me realize how foolish and weak i was.

i'm ashamed to say that i still think about you each and every single day. granted it's only been a little over a month but that ache and pain only grows stronger. i thought that by now, i'd be strong and i'd be okay but i was wrong.

i didn't even think it was possible to miss someone this much. i wonder what you're up to every day. despite what i tell myself every time, my fingers push to open up your instagram and snapchat stories. i want to know what made you laugh today and what made you happy. it's not doing me any good whatsoever, but why don't i care. why am i putting myself through this?

i want to be happy, i do. but i also don't want you out of my life. i miss you. there, i've said it, i miss you a fucking lot.

let go

"I kept myself burning just to keep you warm. I was dying, but I did it for you.

I never knew why I was setting myself on fire, it just felt natural. I just wanted to get through to you, so I could change you, so I could fix you. So you could fix me. That was very naïve of me.

Letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, because I never let go of things I love, unless they give me a reason to. Unless the heartache is much more than just tears.

I never thought you would give me a reason to let you go. Sometimes I feel like you did it on purpose, so I could leave you alone and not care for you so much because it suffocated you. That’s where my mind ends up going when I think of all this. That God brought me to you so I could learn to fall in love with someone so imperfect, and realize what it is like to experience loving someone a little more than yourself. How, if I can do that with you, I should be able to fall in love with my own imperfections, and all the flaws that I hate.

I need to understand that I have not fully experienced love with anyone, because I have not loved myself enough yet. This has been the hardest part of my life, the newest chapter of my life being unfolded onto my world. This was never just about sex, although I do understand why that is important too. I cannot truly find words to explain love, though I will never give up trying to find the right ones.

I know I am young, but I felt love with you, and that is one thing that I am certain of in this reckless world of abandonment. I know you wanted to fall in love, I know you still do. That you do not search for someone, without falling in love, because I am the same way. I think I just went too fast, way too fast for you and for myself. We both had no idea what we were doing, and by the time we realized it, it had gotten too deep for you, and I had fallen without you. I could not fix you, I know now. That relaxes me.

However, now I perhaps understand that when you really love someone, you only know when you put their needs before yours. When you do something for them you’re also doing it for you, because you care. I let you go for me, but I also let you go so you can meet someone you love, so you can fall in love without me being in the picture. So you can be happy without me.

I was scared to let you go, because deep down, I knew you wouldn’t come back. I risked us for us. In this situation I was stuck in the middle. I had a choice to keep being your friend, and harbor my feelings forever in the dark, or let you go with a piece of my heart, and move on at least knowing that for once in my life, I loved someone so much that I had to let them go out of my life."

original

2

my second week of being truly alone.

what am i feeling? i don't know anymore. but at the same time, it's a relief. i am happy but sad. i'm scared but hopeful. i'm trying to make the most of this time. i'm trying to be brave and live for myself. i've spent too many years of my life depending on others to fix me and seeking validation for myself.

i'm on this journey to truly live for myself and be my own independent person. and i'm not going to lie, but it's been tough as shit.

but i'm also not going to give up. it's going to be easier one day. and i'm going to tough it through until that day.

Change.

how much can change in a mere 48 hours.

this isn't even just the anxiety or paranoia talking anymore. i just.. don't even know what to do at this point. i need guidance. but i also want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and mean it.

2017

i've decided i'm going to start off this year grateful. grateful for everything that i have and everything that life's given me, even the downs. i'm trying to make an effort to see 2017 in a positive light. i want to be able to see the positive in everything even if it's a negative.

to my panda bear,

thank you for being there for me. thank you for sticking by me through one of the hardest moments of my adult life. thank you for not judging me and moreover for understanding rather than criticizing me. thank you for taking the time to come pick me up and visit me. i know that what i should be is more understanding. and i want to be. i do. but sometimes, i'm scared that i'm falling too hard and too fast. you've given me a reason to. but i don't want to be that person who can't pick herself up after something possibly ending. i don't even want to think about that. but sometimes i know i have to. just to remind myself that not all good things last. although i'm hoping that we do. i still haven't figured you out. and i'm not sure if that's just because we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. i should slow down.

to 2016,

what you were was a whirlwind of bad experiences turned into a ton of lessons. experiences i really wish i didn't have to go through but lessons i knew i had to learn. i'm going to put you in my past. everything that i've done turned into all the mistakes i've made, i'm going to leave them behind and only carry the lessons with me from now forward. i can't be that naive 23 year old anymore. the one who thought that guy after guy would keep her from feeling alone. i had to face my fears, i had to learn to be brave and to stand up in order to move on. and i'm not going to make the same mistakes again. i don't want to and i can't.

to the second person who's broken my heart,

you're so happy now. seeing it makes me sad, i have to admit. i wish i were over it all, but sometimes, thinking about you and your happiness and what we once had makes me sad. but thankfully, these moments pass much quicker than it used to. i wish i could say that the way you broke me only made me stronger. but i really don't know if it did. i had to give myself closure - but i always do. but sometimes, i wish that we were able to talk it out some more. but now, that really is just wishful thinking. what can i say?

to 2017,

i'm looking forward to you. only because i'm looking forward to being a different person from who i was in 2016. and i don't know what this year will hold for me, but i know that i must keep the promises i've made to myself this year. if i need to be strong in some way this year, that's the way i'm going to do it.