Insecurities & jealousy

I think deep down what I really am is just jealous. I'm jealous of the way other girls are treated in a relationship. I'm jealous of the loving looks that they get and the princess treatment they receive from their boyfriends. I want that type of love.

But how funny is it that I can't give myself this type of love? I know time and time again that when someone tells me that the only way you can get someone else to love you is if you love yourself first. And time and time again I try and fail. What do I need to do to love? Myself and others included? Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to love myself because I've always given so much love to other people. So many times I put everyone else around me before myself. Is that the problem? I don't know how to care for myself?

To you - I'm glad that our breakup has taught you to care for her. You've done so much more for her in the last few short months than you've done for me all our relationship. I'm happy for you - I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad. I'm sad that you didn't feel that deep love for me and didn't try to fight harder for us to work. Looking back, we were never right for each other. But that didn't stop me from trying to make us work. But you didn't and we fell apart.

To the new you - I have too many insecurities. And I'm afraid of facing them so I'm freaking out before we are even anything. I also know that I am the worst judge of character, so I have no clue if you're a good person. You probably are, and I probably just suck.

And over the last year, I've been spiraling down nothing but a vicious cycle of loving, trusting, being let down, and experiencing heartbreaks. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. But it doesn't seem like it. Once again, I feel the need to pull back before I fall even deeper. A friend's told me that the best way to look at it is to tell myself that it's over. Each time you do, you'll become a little bit more objective. And I'm hoping that's true. I'm hoping that this attitude will get me through and make me a little bit stronger each time. But I don't know. I'm scared and I hate it.

Focus

I'm such a bad judge of people. Why do I constantly surround myself and give into the wrong types of people? These are always people who don't last, aren't good people, or have some sort of underlying strings attached to them.

I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.