Picking this up because it's been a hot minute since I've said anything. No one probably reads this anymore anyways so I'll just be talking to myself.
So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.
And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.
It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.
What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.