healthy

i've been really getting on my health kick and i'm obsessed. my manager told me yesterday that he thought i was doing a really good job professionally and in my personal life and that i looked good and i was like "homegurl say whaaaa?" it completely caught me off guard b/c i honestly don't think i look that much different from before.

but i guess i do! i'm really trying hard to keep myself healthy nowadays. whether it's by eating right or working out to the best of my abilities. i also have been drinking way more water and staying hydrated. i love it too. i can't wait to continue this lifestyle.

and one person i really have to thank for all this is my loving and supportive boyfriend. yes we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, i love that we can emotionally support each other. he motivates me to be the best version of myself that i can be. i no longer feel victimized at every little thing that happens to me and i'm feeling great!

this is such a drastic change from the person i was a year ago. last year, i worked out and "tried" to be healthy but i hated it. i wasn't doing it for the right reasons and i was nothing but unhappy. it's so great to be able to cut out the negativity from your life and realize that there's way more to life than you could ever imagine.

i am so happy and healthy!!

emotional faucet

sometimes i feel like an emotional faucet. i either spend 100% of my time bottled up and refusing to feel, or 100% of the time letting everything loose and coming out at 80 miles an hour.

it terrifies me that i'm like this. i'm scared that this will ultimately lead to my demise because i can't control myself. sometimes, i'll look back and realize that the things that blew me up were so minute that had i controlled myself, i would've saved some relationships.

i think moving forward, i can only work on this internally. i need to be able to internalize my feelings without feeling like it's the end of the world. i need to practice this and stop myself from blowing up whenever something doesn't go the way i want it to before i ruin my relationship with everyone that i love.

a thought

This past weekend, I watched Spiderman.

"If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it."

If I'm nothing without this relationship, then I shouldn't have it either. So I must make myself something with or without him.

But I'm so happy. I'm just so...happy.

there i said it

i thought i was over it just as i thought i was over you. but the truth is, i'd just been pushing everything away. i tried to force myself to let go of you but that only kept you more frequently on my mind. i tried to pretend that everything was okay and that i was finally out of the rut i'd put myself into for the longest time but that only made me realize how foolish and weak i was.

i'm ashamed to say that i still think about you each and every single day. granted it's only been a little over a month but that ache and pain only grows stronger. i thought that by now, i'd be strong and i'd be okay but i was wrong.

i didn't even think it was possible to miss someone this much. i wonder what you're up to every day. despite what i tell myself every time, my fingers push to open up your instagram and snapchat stories. i want to know what made you laugh today and what made you happy. it's not doing me any good whatsoever, but why don't i care. why am i putting myself through this?

i want to be happy, i do. but i also don't want you out of my life. i miss you. there, i've said it, i miss you a fucking lot.