I think deep down what I really am is just jealous. I'm jealous of the way other girls are treated in a relationship. I'm jealous of the loving looks that they get and the princess treatment they receive from their boyfriends. I want that type of love.
But how funny is it that I can't give myself this type of love? I know time and time again that when someone tells me that the only way you can get someone else to love you is if you love yourself first. And time and time again I try and fail. What do I need to do to love? Myself and others included? Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to love myself because I've always given so much love to other people. So many times I put everyone else around me before myself. Is that the problem? I don't know how to care for myself?
To you - I'm glad that our breakup has taught you to care for her. You've done so much more for her in the last few short months than you've done for me all our relationship. I'm happy for you - I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad. I'm sad that you didn't feel that deep love for me and didn't try to fight harder for us to work. Looking back, we were never right for each other. But that didn't stop me from trying to make us work. But you didn't and we fell apart.
To the new you - I have too many insecurities. And I'm afraid of facing them so I'm freaking out before we are even anything. I also know that I am the worst judge of character, so I have no clue if you're a good person. You probably are, and I probably just suck.
And over the last year, I've been spiraling down nothing but a vicious cycle of loving, trusting, being let down, and experiencing heartbreaks. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. But it doesn't seem like it. Once again, I feel the need to pull back before I fall even deeper. A friend's told me that the best way to look at it is to tell myself that it's over. Each time you do, you'll become a little bit more objective. And I'm hoping that's true. I'm hoping that this attitude will get me through and make me a little bit stronger each time. But I don't know. I'm scared and I hate it.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Focus
I'm such a bad judge of people. Why do I constantly surround myself and give into the wrong types of people? These are always people who don't last, aren't good people, or have some sort of underlying strings attached to them.
I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.
I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.
Monday, October 3, 2016
happy
I'm going to make a conscious effort to be happy from this day forward.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
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