∞

"I was so stupid. How could I believe all those words after how much pain you caused? How many tears have I shed in your honor? Too many. How many tears have you shed in mine? None. Why did I believe that you were headed north when you were walking south? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone who didn't want that with me?

...
I can't escape the hatred. The love. The pain. It's all here. An exposed nerve. Why did I email you? I drank too much. I smoked too much. I wasn't in my right mind. I thought I could say all of this with one sentence. It was stupid, I know. Why didn't you respond? I wish everyday that I didn't do that. I wish I never met you. I wish you would grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for your behavior. I wish you were a man. I wish you would be him - the version of you that I created in my head, the version of you that I compare to actual you. I made you up. You don't exist. You aren't the man I love. You aren't even the man I hate. You are just a man. You don't matter. You are a blip on the great plane of the universe. The only reason I still care is because I haven't found anyone new yet. You aren't the person I love. I don't love you. I never loved you."

Original

Picking up me

I'm going to stop feeling like somebody owes something to me. I'm going to start becoming the person that I want to be for myself. Without him, without dependency. I'm going to do it. I need to get my life together. I need to step out of this city and all the cities I've lived in pretty much. And I need to fucking do something for me. Fuck the haters, I just wanna do me.

Weeds

Tonight, a good friend helped me realize that you start to weed out people that aren't conducive to your life after a major incident. And to me, it was him. He's made me realize that some of the people that I know and used to think are important to me, are in fact, just paperweights. I think it's interesting surprising that it's taken me three years and a major change in my life, to effect such change. Why do I need to be bothered by someone who is actually just incompatible with me? Why did I spent so much of my time questioning whether someone was mad at me every two days if I could literally live life without this trouble? If you're not really benefitting me in any way, I don't really see a point in you being in my life. They say it's better late than never--and I'm incredibly glad I'm finally starting to see this change in myself now. I can honestly say that I'm changing for the better.

Long distance

Here's the thing I've learned about relationships. I am never ever ever ever in my entire life going to engage in a long distance one again. The facts that broke my relationship were: 1) long distance, 2) we didn't get to really know each other because physical meetings always got, well, physical, and 3) distance is a bitch. That's the thing. When you don't spend enough time with a person in person, you just don't get to know them well enough. You can't see with your own eyes and judge with your own rationale the person that he or she is. The person you believe you're dating is just a mere concoction of what you've seen in pictures (maybe a few times prior in real life) and a whole lot of what you've made up in your mind. I've tried it before, and it failed. There is no way in hell I'm going to try again. No force in this universe will make me engage in another long distance relationship again in my life. Back to dating in New York. Just kidding, back to the single life forever.