I'm such a bad judge of people. Why do I constantly surround myself and give into the wrong types of people? These are always people who don't last, aren't good people, or have some sort of underlying strings attached to them.
I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.
Monday, October 3, 2016
happy
I'm going to make a conscious effort to be happy from this day forward.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.
And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.
Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.
I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Monday, August 22, 2016
feel
I've been trying hard to stay aloof lately. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel.
I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?
Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.
I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?
Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.
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