I can't help it

We are always taught to love me for me. Don't wait on others to love you or else you'll never be happy. No one can love you more than you love yourself and all that bullshit. I acknowledge it and I realize that it's most important to abide by this. But at the same time, I can't seem to follow it. Not that I'm saying I need justification for why I should love myself, but low-key I do, ok? Maybe I'm actually just too bored right now and need to find some other source of self-fulfillment or self-entertainment. I know I shouldn't be waiting on some boy to come by, swoop me off my feet, and tell me how much he loves me. But a girl can't help but wonder those types of things yakno? I need a hobby.

Lessons

I spent the month of October learning and growing. I learned that I didn't have to waste energy or time on someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't need another person in my life to make myself happy. And I could definitely do better than chasing pavements. I shouldn't have to invest myself into something that probably will never amount to anything. I also need to start pulling myself out of feelings before I allow myself to be consumed by them. Thanks to my good for nothing addictive personality, I really need to start watching myself. No person is worthy of this much pain and misery.

Selfishness and Selflessness

Whenever I'm feeling down (like real, real down), I reread Tuesdays with Morrie. It's downright my favorite book in the universe and truly the only book that puts me in the right perspective of life. Each time I read the book, I learn something new and feel something different. I make sure that I squeeze every ounce of teaching out of Morrie and remind myself that it's ok to feel the way I do but that everything will pass - and when it does pass, love will conquer all. I make mental note of the reason why I feel the way I do and hope to sleep it off so that I can wake up refreshed and a better person.

Last night, I reread the only book in the last 8 years of my life that I don't get sick of reading and constantly go back to. And don't get me wrong, it made me feel much better than I had originally did. But at the same time, I didn't get that same comfort I usually do from the book. I still cried when Morrie said that "love goes on" and when he took his last breath and passed away peacefully. But at the same time, I woke up this morning feeling the same. I'm scared that I've passed this point where the only book that has cheered me up for as long as I could possibly remember did not cheer me up this time.

I didn't realize until this year, how much it kills me to hurt somebody else. Somehow, I always feel like it's a little bit more okay to let myself be hurt from words or actions or inactions than for me to hurt someone else. People constantly tell me to love myself. They tell me that I should put myself ahead of everybody else in the world because I don't owe a single thing in the world to anybody else but myself. But for some reason, that's never stuck with me. I find myself thinking "how selfish that I can go on living a happy life while someone else is suffering because of me?" It's always just been like that and as sad and unfortunate as this is, I feel like it's always the way it's gonna be.

Happy

Life has been treating me unexpectedly well lately. I've finally gotten rid of some unnecessary baggage that I've had earlier this week and put down some of the feelings from the last month or so. I can honestly say that I'm doing much better. It's funny because I find it rare that I ever want to blog when I'm in any other mood but crappy. But anyways, I've decided that maybe it's time to make some changes starting with blogs. Maybe if I started blogging more when I was feeling happy, it'll make me feel happier in the long run.