Selfishness and Selflessness

Whenever I'm feeling down (like real, real down), I reread Tuesdays with Morrie. It's downright my favorite book in the universe and truly the only book that puts me in the right perspective of life. Each time I read the book, I learn something new and feel something different. I make sure that I squeeze every ounce of teaching out of Morrie and remind myself that it's ok to feel the way I do but that everything will pass - and when it does pass, love will conquer all. I make mental note of the reason why I feel the way I do and hope to sleep it off so that I can wake up refreshed and a better person.

Last night, I reread the only book in the last 8 years of my life that I don't get sick of reading and constantly go back to. And don't get me wrong, it made me feel much better than I had originally did. But at the same time, I didn't get that same comfort I usually do from the book. I still cried when Morrie said that "love goes on" and when he took his last breath and passed away peacefully. But at the same time, I woke up this morning feeling the same. I'm scared that I've passed this point where the only book that has cheered me up for as long as I could possibly remember did not cheer me up this time.

I didn't realize until this year, how much it kills me to hurt somebody else. Somehow, I always feel like it's a little bit more okay to let myself be hurt from words or actions or inactions than for me to hurt someone else. People constantly tell me to love myself. They tell me that I should put myself ahead of everybody else in the world because I don't owe a single thing in the world to anybody else but myself. But for some reason, that's never stuck with me. I find myself thinking "how selfish that I can go on living a happy life while someone else is suffering because of me?" It's always just been like that and as sad and unfortunate as this is, I feel like it's always the way it's gonna be.

Happy

Life has been treating me unexpectedly well lately. I've finally gotten rid of some unnecessary baggage that I've had earlier this week and put down some of the feelings from the last month or so. I can honestly say that I'm doing much better. It's funny because I find it rare that I ever want to blog when I'm in any other mood but crappy. But anyways, I've decided that maybe it's time to make some changes starting with blogs. Maybe if I started blogging more when I was feeling happy, it'll make me feel happier in the long run.

∞

"I was so stupid. How could I believe all those words after how much pain you caused? How many tears have I shed in your honor? Too many. How many tears have you shed in mine? None. Why did I believe that you were headed north when you were walking south? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone who didn't want that with me?

...
I can't escape the hatred. The love. The pain. It's all here. An exposed nerve. Why did I email you? I drank too much. I smoked too much. I wasn't in my right mind. I thought I could say all of this with one sentence. It was stupid, I know. Why didn't you respond? I wish everyday that I didn't do that. I wish I never met you. I wish you would grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for your behavior. I wish you were a man. I wish you would be him - the version of you that I created in my head, the version of you that I compare to actual you. I made you up. You don't exist. You aren't the man I love. You aren't even the man I hate. You are just a man. You don't matter. You are a blip on the great plane of the universe. The only reason I still care is because I haven't found anyone new yet. You aren't the person I love. I don't love you. I never loved you."

Original

Picking up me

I'm going to stop feeling like somebody owes something to me. I'm going to start becoming the person that I want to be for myself. Without him, without dependency. I'm going to do it. I need to get my life together. I need to step out of this city and all the cities I've lived in pretty much. And I need to fucking do something for me. Fuck the haters, I just wanna do me.