you came back

In the end it's all about letting go and forgiveness.

For over a year, I accepted that we probably were never going to be friends again. I let that become my reality because I had moved into a new relationship and you were stuck in your same old toxic loveless one. I thought that since we were set on two different trajectories, we weren't ever going to cross paths in a friendship ever again. And I was ok with that. Because it had been well over a year and I had finally let that sink in.

But then you came back to me. You reminded me of, dare I say it? Comfort. I hate that of all the people, you brought that upon me the most. I hate that I can truly be myself with you because I should be able to have that with other people who are closer to me in my life. But why of all people, you?

I think deep deep down, a little piece of me was hopeful that you and I could become something. Even though I know now more than ever that it's not possible. It's not possible because we are so similar yet so inherently different. We want that freedom but we also want that attachment and security to allow us to be free. And for the both of us, it's the people we've grown to know and rely on.

I need to be done with you. 100% done with you.

ctrl alt del

i tried to let you go. i thought i had done a good enough job of not letting you affect me. but in the end, my insecurities still got the best of me. my insecurities reminded me that despite all that i have and all that i do, i'm still worth nothing in your eyes. because at the end of the day, you didn't choose me. and maybe it's my pride and my ego that's speaking the loudest. but it's telling me that i will forever be inferior to her.

and through and through, i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to be reminded of my insecurities. because my insecurities foster my anxiety and i want to be anxious no more. i'm starting it all off now by force shutting you out. i'm going to use every fiber of my being to rid of you in my life. ctrl-alt-del you out of my life.

out of sight, out of mind. i'll check back in a few months with updates.

healthy

i've been really getting on my health kick and i'm obsessed. my manager told me yesterday that he thought i was doing a really good job professionally and in my personal life and that i looked good and i was like "homegurl say whaaaa?" it completely caught me off guard b/c i honestly don't think i look that much different from before.

but i guess i do! i'm really trying hard to keep myself healthy nowadays. whether it's by eating right or working out to the best of my abilities. i also have been drinking way more water and staying hydrated. i love it too. i can't wait to continue this lifestyle.

and one person i really have to thank for all this is my loving and supportive boyfriend. yes we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, i love that we can emotionally support each other. he motivates me to be the best version of myself that i can be. i no longer feel victimized at every little thing that happens to me and i'm feeling great!

this is such a drastic change from the person i was a year ago. last year, i worked out and "tried" to be healthy but i hated it. i wasn't doing it for the right reasons and i was nothing but unhappy. it's so great to be able to cut out the negativity from your life and realize that there's way more to life than you could ever imagine.

i am so happy and healthy!!

emotional faucet

sometimes i feel like an emotional faucet. i either spend 100% of my time bottled up and refusing to feel, or 100% of the time letting everything loose and coming out at 80 miles an hour.

it terrifies me that i'm like this. i'm scared that this will ultimately lead to my demise because i can't control myself. sometimes, i'll look back and realize that the things that blew me up were so minute that had i controlled myself, i would've saved some relationships.

i think moving forward, i can only work on this internally. i need to be able to internalize my feelings without feeling like it's the end of the world. i need to practice this and stop myself from blowing up whenever something doesn't go the way i want it to before i ruin my relationship with everyone that i love.

a thought

This past weekend, I watched Spiderman.

"If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it."

If I'm nothing without this relationship, then I shouldn't have it either. So I must make myself something with or without him.

But I'm so happy. I'm just so...happy.

there i said it

i thought i was over it just as i thought i was over you. but the truth is, i'd just been pushing everything away. i tried to force myself to let go of you but that only kept you more frequently on my mind. i tried to pretend that everything was okay and that i was finally out of the rut i'd put myself into for the longest time but that only made me realize how foolish and weak i was.

i'm ashamed to say that i still think about you each and every single day. granted it's only been a little over a month but that ache and pain only grows stronger. i thought that by now, i'd be strong and i'd be okay but i was wrong.

i didn't even think it was possible to miss someone this much. i wonder what you're up to every day. despite what i tell myself every time, my fingers push to open up your instagram and snapchat stories. i want to know what made you laugh today and what made you happy. it's not doing me any good whatsoever, but why don't i care. why am i putting myself through this?

i want to be happy, i do. but i also don't want you out of my life. i miss you. there, i've said it, i miss you a fucking lot.

let go

"I kept myself burning just to keep you warm. I was dying, but I did it for you.

I never knew why I was setting myself on fire, it just felt natural. I just wanted to get through to you, so I could change you, so I could fix you. So you could fix me. That was very naïve of me.

Letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, because I never let go of things I love, unless they give me a reason to. Unless the heartache is much more than just tears.

I never thought you would give me a reason to let you go. Sometimes I feel like you did it on purpose, so I could leave you alone and not care for you so much because it suffocated you. That’s where my mind ends up going when I think of all this. That God brought me to you so I could learn to fall in love with someone so imperfect, and realize what it is like to experience loving someone a little more than yourself. How, if I can do that with you, I should be able to fall in love with my own imperfections, and all the flaws that I hate.

I need to understand that I have not fully experienced love with anyone, because I have not loved myself enough yet. This has been the hardest part of my life, the newest chapter of my life being unfolded onto my world. This was never just about sex, although I do understand why that is important too. I cannot truly find words to explain love, though I will never give up trying to find the right ones.

I know I am young, but I felt love with you, and that is one thing that I am certain of in this reckless world of abandonment. I know you wanted to fall in love, I know you still do. That you do not search for someone, without falling in love, because I am the same way. I think I just went too fast, way too fast for you and for myself. We both had no idea what we were doing, and by the time we realized it, it had gotten too deep for you, and I had fallen without you. I could not fix you, I know now. That relaxes me.

However, now I perhaps understand that when you really love someone, you only know when you put their needs before yours. When you do something for them you’re also doing it for you, because you care. I let you go for me, but I also let you go so you can meet someone you love, so you can fall in love without me being in the picture. So you can be happy without me.

I was scared to let you go, because deep down, I knew you wouldn’t come back. I risked us for us. In this situation I was stuck in the middle. I had a choice to keep being your friend, and harbor my feelings forever in the dark, or let you go with a piece of my heart, and move on at least knowing that for once in my life, I loved someone so much that I had to let them go out of my life."

original

2

my second week of being truly alone.

what am i feeling? i don't know anymore. but at the same time, it's a relief. i am happy but sad. i'm scared but hopeful. i'm trying to make the most of this time. i'm trying to be brave and live for myself. i've spent too many years of my life depending on others to fix me and seeking validation for myself.

i'm on this journey to truly live for myself and be my own independent person. and i'm not going to lie, but it's been tough as shit.

but i'm also not going to give up. it's going to be easier one day. and i'm going to tough it through until that day.

Change.

how much can change in a mere 48 hours.

this isn't even just the anxiety or paranoia talking anymore. i just.. don't even know what to do at this point. i need guidance. but i also want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and mean it.

2017

i've decided i'm going to start off this year grateful. grateful for everything that i have and everything that life's given me, even the downs. i'm trying to make an effort to see 2017 in a positive light. i want to be able to see the positive in everything even if it's a negative.

to my panda bear,

thank you for being there for me. thank you for sticking by me through one of the hardest moments of my adult life. thank you for not judging me and moreover for understanding rather than criticizing me. thank you for taking the time to come pick me up and visit me. i know that what i should be is more understanding. and i want to be. i do. but sometimes, i'm scared that i'm falling too hard and too fast. you've given me a reason to. but i don't want to be that person who can't pick herself up after something possibly ending. i don't even want to think about that. but sometimes i know i have to. just to remind myself that not all good things last. although i'm hoping that we do. i still haven't figured you out. and i'm not sure if that's just because we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. i should slow down.

to 2016,

what you were was a whirlwind of bad experiences turned into a ton of lessons. experiences i really wish i didn't have to go through but lessons i knew i had to learn. i'm going to put you in my past. everything that i've done turned into all the mistakes i've made, i'm going to leave them behind and only carry the lessons with me from now forward. i can't be that naive 23 year old anymore. the one who thought that guy after guy would keep her from feeling alone. i had to face my fears, i had to learn to be brave and to stand up in order to move on. and i'm not going to make the same mistakes again. i don't want to and i can't.

to the second person who's broken my heart,

you're so happy now. seeing it makes me sad, i have to admit. i wish i were over it all, but sometimes, thinking about you and your happiness and what we once had makes me sad. but thankfully, these moments pass much quicker than it used to. i wish i could say that the way you broke me only made me stronger. but i really don't know if it did. i had to give myself closure - but i always do. but sometimes, i wish that we were able to talk it out some more. but now, that really is just wishful thinking. what can i say?

to 2017,

i'm looking forward to you. only because i'm looking forward to being a different person from who i was in 2016. and i don't know what this year will hold for me, but i know that i must keep the promises i've made to myself this year. if i need to be strong in some way this year, that's the way i'm going to do it.

word dump

i'm so bad at not having expectations. i'm so bad at trying to be sane but ending up overwhelmed by hysteria. i'm terrible at letting go and terribly great at overthinking. i'm in love with love and i want it so badly that i don't even consider that i'm not ready for it. and when i do think about how unprepared i am for this grand love that's in my head, i crave it even more.

i'm letting this relationship go way over my head. i scrutinize about every little detail and place way too much emphasis on everything. i freak out over the tiniest thing when in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't mean much. i tell myself that i should be optimistic and i shouldn't let this little thing get to me. but how do i not? at the end of the day, i still get anxious over everything and jump at the tiniest thing that goes wrong.

maybe the trick is to not feel. to not care so deeply about everything.

but i know that's wrong. it's not that i shouldn't care. it's that i need to put myself first. i should care more about my feelings and my well being before i look to others for love. i should love myself. time and time again, i need to remind myself that i am my own person. i am not half of a whole and i do not need someone else to complete me. i should complete myself. but that scares me. maybe it's time to look for a religion or something for me to put my faith into.

i know i shouldn't be spending so much time and energy being like this. but i'm scared. i just suck.

this.

But more than anything I’d like to take the time to apologize. Not just for participating in such a triangle of self-inflicted heartbreak but I’m sorry he doesn’t respect and love you enough to stay loyal. I’m sorry you’re dating someone who isn’t worthy of you. Because if he was, I wouldn’t be in the picture. The truth is though, if it’s not me, he’d be cheating with someone else. That’s the way cheaters are.

I love him very deeply and it took everything in me to walk away because I wanted someone who wanted only me.

I didn’t want to be someone’s side chick. I was tired of being his best kept secret. But more than anything I realized I didn’t want to participate in something that would cause you the same pain it caused me when I was in your shoes.

If you guys do stay together I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you or will cause you when all of this comes out. The thing about the truth is it always does reveal itself and the bigger the lies the more it’ll hurt someone. While all of this hurts me I know it will hurt you more and you don’t deserve that neither of us do.

Insecurities & jealousy

I think deep down what I really am is just jealous. I'm jealous of the way other girls are treated in a relationship. I'm jealous of the loving looks that they get and the princess treatment they receive from their boyfriends. I want that type of love.

But how funny is it that I can't give myself this type of love? I know time and time again that when someone tells me that the only way you can get someone else to love you is if you love yourself first. And time and time again I try and fail. What do I need to do to love? Myself and others included? Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to love myself because I've always given so much love to other people. So many times I put everyone else around me before myself. Is that the problem? I don't know how to care for myself?

To you - I'm glad that our breakup has taught you to care for her. You've done so much more for her in the last few short months than you've done for me all our relationship. I'm happy for you - I really am. But at the same time, I'm sad. I'm sad that you didn't feel that deep love for me and didn't try to fight harder for us to work. Looking back, we were never right for each other. But that didn't stop me from trying to make us work. But you didn't and we fell apart.

To the new you - I have too many insecurities. And I'm afraid of facing them so I'm freaking out before we are even anything. I also know that I am the worst judge of character, so I have no clue if you're a good person. You probably are, and I probably just suck.

And over the last year, I've been spiraling down nothing but a vicious cycle of loving, trusting, being let down, and experiencing heartbreaks. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different. But it doesn't seem like it. Once again, I feel the need to pull back before I fall even deeper. A friend's told me that the best way to look at it is to tell myself that it's over. Each time you do, you'll become a little bit more objective. And I'm hoping that's true. I'm hoping that this attitude will get me through and make me a little bit stronger each time. But I don't know. I'm scared and I hate it.

Focus

I'm such a bad judge of people. Why do I constantly surround myself and give into the wrong types of people? These are always people who don't last, aren't good people, or have some sort of underlying strings attached to them.

I need to stop giving into the side of me that ultimately just craves attention. I need to focus on myself and I need to love myself first before all others. If there's one thing 2016 and being 23 has taught me, it's that I'm so bad at taking care of myself. I'm a terrifyingly submissive person and just an overall horrible pushover. And I need to change this. I need to love myself. I need to stop putting more emphasis on how to get others to make me happy and focus on how I can make myself happy.

happy

I'm going to make a conscious effort to be happy from this day forward.

I woke up this morning feeling more unhappy with myself than I have ever felt in my life. And then I made the decision to delete all the dating apps that I've been mindlessly occupying my life with off my phone. I spent all day being unhappy and I spent all day trying to rationalize why I was feeling the way I did.

And then it hit me. Since April, I haven't spent a single weekend alone. I've grown to fear loneliness. I no longer remember how to be alone. And the terrible decisions I've made since April have been overwhelming. And indeed, they all stemmed from my fear of being by myself. All the people I've come across in hopes of "curing" my boredom or loneliness has made me more alone than I ever have felt.

Today I've made a decision that I'm going to try my hardest to stick with. I'm going to stop being this pathetic and afraid shell of a human and start living for myself. And that starts with a conscious attempt at being independent. I need to stop being so afraid of silence and stay away from my phone.

I just want to be fully confident and comfortable with myself and happy. Only then can I be comfortable with introducing another person into my life. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

if we bump into each other on a crowded street
it's not us no more
it's just you and me
we're just strangers in passing, casually
it's not us no more
it's just you and me.

feel

I've been trying hard to stay aloof lately. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel.

I'm trying to push you away from my thoughts. It's progress to not think about you more than 2 times a day. But some days, it gets hard to do that. Especially the days where I'm not fully occupied or present. Especially the days where I feel lonely. How do I stop myself from thinking about you? Do I just simply stop talking about it? Stop feeling? I don't know. This break that we've taken from each other has really been good though. Because I know that the less I see you, the easier it will be for me to move on. I know I can't keep filling this emptiness with other people. This can't possibly be good for me. But what do I do? Why am I so weak?

Someone help me. I don't want to feel anymore.

dear you.

To the you who's been there for me since my break up whether you were emotionally invested or not - thank you. You've helped me through some of the loneliest times of my 2016 and made me a happier person. You have a fucked up perception of relationships and love and although you can't seem to let people who need to be let go, go, I still thank you for the time you've spent with me.

It's been immensely painful since I've found out that we weren't headed down the same road and were probably never were since the very beginning but that's my own pain. It's got nothing to do with you.

But I'm trying this thing where I'm going to be optimistic. I don't want to dwell on being sad but rather look to the unlimited possibilities of the future. I know you still want to be friends (and I do too), but I just don't know if now is the time to do so. Without that physical relationship, what are we really? I don't know. I haven't ever been "just friends" with you and I don't know how to start now.

So I think I'm going to just take a break from you and everything. You've made it very clear since the last time we've talked that you and I aren't on the same page. And since there's only one of two roads to take, I've decided to take the higher one. A sharp pain for now is much better than prolonged hurting in the future - which I know will happen one way or another.

I look forward to the day where I don't involuntarily search for your name across all my social media channels or feel a twinge of pain in my chest because I still remember all the times we've had. I look forward to the day where I can think about you with other people and I will genuinely smile because I know that you're happy and I am happy because we're both at good places in our lives. I yearn for the moment where I can think back on the memories we've had and rather than feel sad because I miss you so much, feel nothing because it was a short-lived yet meaningless chapter of my life story.

Just hoping and praying that this day comes soon.

lonely

Picking this up because it's been a hot minute since I've said anything. No one probably reads this anymore anyways so I'll just be talking to myself.

So much has happened to me since I've made any sort of effort to grow up since I've turned 23. And the funniest yet saddest thing is that rather than growing up, I've regressed into this sad, pathetic, lonely creature that I once genuinely abhorred. I've made mistakes and taken wrong turns that's led me to this self-pity/loathing I've experienced since April 2016.

And I think that's what's making me so much lonelier now. I hate the person I've become and I pity myself so much to the point where I am so afraid of being alone. I am scared to be with myself and nothing but my own thoughts.

It's scary to me now that the only way I can be happy is if someone is there with me. I've truly let myself go and it's changed the way I am as a human. And what is worst is that I don't have anybody here. There's literally no one in this part of town that I feel comfortable talking to or hanging out with consistently and that scares me. I think that scares me more than anything in the world because I've always been surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. And now, for the first time, I'm alone. And I hate being alone.

What literally am I to do with myself? I'm too scared to let tears fall because I don't want to admit this defeat. I've been in consistent denial of everything because I don't want my heart to be taken over by fear. But what do I do? I'm scared. Someone save me from myself.

News

Is it stupid how much I love my new job? It's challenging as fuck but I'm having such a great time learning about everything and talking to people who really try to be there for me. I'm really happy about where I am now.

I hope I'm not going to regret saying this in the future...