i'm so bad at not having expectations. i'm so bad at trying to be sane but ending up overwhelmed by hysteria. i'm terrible at letting go and terribly great at overthinking. i'm in love with love and i want it so badly that i don't even consider that i'm not ready for it. and when i do think about how unprepared i am for this grand love that's in my head, i crave it even more.
i'm letting this relationship go way over my head. i scrutinize about every little detail and place way too much emphasis on everything. i freak out over the tiniest thing when in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't mean much. i tell myself that i should be optimistic and i shouldn't let this little thing get to me. but how do i not? at the end of the day, i still get anxious over everything and jump at the tiniest thing that goes wrong.
maybe the trick is to not feel. to not care so deeply about everything.
but i know that's wrong. it's not that i shouldn't care. it's that i need to put myself first. i should care more about my feelings and my well being before i look to others for love. i should love myself. time and time again, i need to remind myself that i am my own person. i am not half of a whole and i do not need someone else to complete me. i should complete myself. but that scares me. maybe it's time to look for a religion or something for me to put my faith into.
i know i shouldn't be spending so much time and energy being like this. but i'm scared. i just suck.